Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
