mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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