New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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