Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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