My balls are so social today.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
