If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
