I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
