you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
