so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
