One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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