at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
