i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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