you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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