Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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