I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
