I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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