I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
