and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
