Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
