so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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