i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
