i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Randomize
