I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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