This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize