I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
