I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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