I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
