Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
