well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
