im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
