I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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