my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
