We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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