thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
