A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
