my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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