i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
