when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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