he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize