why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
