ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
