Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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