I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
