i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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