I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
