you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
