3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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