Pregnant stripper...not hot.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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