Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
