Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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