i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
