HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
