Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
