Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
