hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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