I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
