You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
