Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
