The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
