dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
