and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize