A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
