at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize