i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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