did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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