How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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