all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
