Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
