My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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