Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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