Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
