Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
