ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize