We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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